I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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