You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize