obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
