My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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