the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize