I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
