Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
