Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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