I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
