Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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