Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
