I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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