this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
