im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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