Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
