why do cheetos always look like penises
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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