the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
