none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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