Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize