I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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