my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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