I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she peed on how many people?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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