Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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