I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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