It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
