dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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