Dude my mom stole all your condoms
hell yes lets make some ravioli
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize