I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
