if i died would you start the facebook group?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
