I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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