Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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