I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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