Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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