So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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