Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
where are you?
Hypothermia
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
