I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
