look no pants
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize