I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
