between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
