At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
