I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
a search helicopter?!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
