I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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