I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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