I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
