Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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