So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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