I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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