Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
