The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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