I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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