Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
