My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
NoShamevember. You game?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
