I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
