The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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