remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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