Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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